Friday, 29 August 2008

  • Start walking.

    The dynamic change in my life, hasn't fully blossomed yet-- but I can foresee more good things to come. This change has come from Christ, and I really, really want everyone to be able to be affected by this. to feel the joy and peace that comes from a Relationship with Christ. I'm afraid I such a subject is hard to shape into words, so please bear with me until I'm able to find them. Let me ask something:

    If you're not living a Christian life, and you don't have a personal walk with Christ... how can you possibly consider yourself a Christian? Yet how many "Christians" do we have in American society today? When people tell me they're a Christian now-a-day (through symbols or topics), I don't burst out in excitement: "I'm a Christian too!" and tell them how wonderful it is to meet a fellow Christian, ... rather I start with the question: How are you a Christian? I want to get the right terminology from them, as well as worldview. Catholic, Christian-through-genetics, Holiday-Christians, New-age Christians. You've got to be talking the same dialect. American Society has watered down the Gospel, the Bible, the foundations and Principles of our Judaeo-Christian Heritage... and there will come a time where you'll be confused by someone who claims to be a Christian, that stands for just the opposite. Be prepared, and the best way you can prepare yourself is by becoming a true Christian, by establishing a walk with him, and a solid prayer life.

    If you've never considered you're walk with Christ before, it can be a confusing place to begin. Perhaps you're muddled in what it means, or it's a little awkward... don't worry about it-- it's only because that's how society has shaped you, you'll recover from that way of thinking with time.

    All of us that have accepted Christ as savior have accepted his Spirit, his Holy Spirit, to dwell within us. At long last, our Spirit has found Christ, been freed from Sin and now can grow. However, so many of us don't take time for the opportunity-- we get distracted, --don't grasp the benefits, --are too proud and/or stubborn to change our ways... and stay very much lost and distant. I know it's happened to me, and I'm only speaking from my own experience in all this, the worth, value, and eternal importance of this is something that I can't fully convey... the implications are outstanding. We can reform our families, churches, cities, counties, nation, continent, and planet; starting with ourselves.

    We do this through our Walk.

    I'll give my walk as an example, I personally need to start off my day-- the tone, in God with Scripture. (I can't count the number of days' I've thrown away because I'll start the day selfishly) It stands to reason: "How can we know God, without reading his Living Word?" And Why not? It encourages, comforts, builds wisdom, heals the wounded... it is the Bread of Life that feeds our Spirit. It is an essential element for our spiritual growth. I'm a techie, so I read my Bible for the day, online: www.oneyearonlinebible.com, I've greatly enjoyed it as a tool.

    I then take my morning shower, where I use the brief time of solitude in prayer and preparation for the day. My first step is to search my heart for true sincerity, the last thing I want to do is become rote in my attitude. Being a person of words, I despise meaningless words. I then come before God and confess myself to him-- bring myself to humility, search my heart for sin, and ask for repentance. Once I am clean before God, in prayer, I praise him for everything I can think of, for the number of blessings that he has bestowed upon me... and I can go into detail on this subject too... there are sooo many things to be thankful for, I don't know where to stop. There are people around me that I'm reaching out to, that I'm ministering to, in some capacity or another... I pray for them, and lastly, I pray for myself... I deny my flesh, it's evil desires and sin nature, I lay my requests before God, and ultimately ask for his will to be done in my life, and put on the spiritual armor of God.

    Some people feel closest to God in worship, I feel closest to God when I'm completely exposed before my Lord, when there is quite literally nothing between me and Him. Stepping out, clean, refreshed, and ready for whatever I need to accomplish for the day. I then preform some act of service, I equip a servants heart. I'll use myself as the example, again: Of all the house chores, Dishes are most familiar to me. I know where everything goes, and have developed a keen proficency in the chore. Mom's brain is in the Kitchen, if it's clear, it just helps everyone else as she's in a better mood... in order to help Mom, and the rest of my family-- I run through the large stack of dishes on the counter, Wiping it down... loading and unloading the dishwasher, clearing the floors and Island, sweeping it all down, scrubbing the stove... etc... Then I'm gung-ho for the day, I can do and accomlish anything, at that point.

    I then set down on my list of priorities... and just tear them apart for the next several hours, with this smile on my face, "I'm just happy, today has been a great day for no other reason then it is!"... however, I'm not made of energy-- and so by the time 6-7 o'clock rolls around, I'm getting hungry and my chutzpah has lessened a bit. I pull out a devotional book, that analyzes the meaning of Greek words in Scripture, (Sparkling Gems from the Greek) it gives examples of the word and stories of this Missionary pastor to link it all together. A great resource that almost always have some relavant nugget of truth for that day. I'm always in awe of how Incredible it is to look throughout the day, throughout the week, and find relating sources of truth-- almost falling out of my daily scripture reading... but you must stick with it, you can't jump from verse to verse and expect to be fed. It's like eating plain cheerios, one cheerio at a time... It's going to take forever to get filled up.

    So people read their scripture at night, with devotions in the morning, It's up to you... I just plead with you to lay down what you think is so important, and persue Christ as though he is worth while.

    Because of Christ, I have no fear, I am at peace, I have hope, I have wisdom, I am not bitter, I am not angry, I know genuine love, I've broken free from my apathy, from my lusts, from my greed.

    I want to continue to grow, to understand why other people are confused... Why they think the way they think. I'm not a crazy-Jesus person, I've personally studied and witnessed the clearly visible change on a rational, and I think a nearly scientific level. God changes lives, allow him to change yours, Today.

    --Michael

Monday, 18 August 2008

  • Lessons and observances.

    I woke up, about 16 months ago, to life. It was with the aid of a friend, but I finally "surfaced"... I was 17 years old, and living in a bubble. My heart had become shelled and cold, I no longer knew enjoyment in anything, was lethargic and apathetic. I simply didn't care anymore. And it all came out of a conclusion that I had reached in middle school, logic that formulated it self in this way:

    Pain is undesirable. >> Some emotions result in pain. >> Emotion is pain. >> Blocking emotion = blocking pain.

    So I learned to mask emotion. For a boy, that's really not a difficult thing to do, especially when you have had no genuinely sad experiences, or built up bitterness... it's not even that ugly a thing. Just an empty thing. But as a boy, you know there is pain in the world, you can see it, so it only serves to deepen the mask that you pull up around you. Such a smart boy, or so you reason. But it is not. Because there's no feeling. Without emotion, there is no joy, just like there is no pain... when you become so neutral, so apathetic, already pragmatic, you become lethargic. It's a vicious cycle. One that I kept throughout High school, while being overwhelmingly simply Michael, all the while. I was myself, my own style, and it was fine, not like I really cared a whole lot.

    I was at a point so deep, where I could have been separated from my family, and wouldn't have been phased... They could have all died, and I wouldn't have shed a tear. I knew all this, and didn't like it. I was half-afraid of how deep this apathy was, yet I could not shake it. I wanted to enjoy something, to feel warmth again.

    Whitney brought me out, very gently... woke me from my shell, and aided in brushing it off. It took a few months... as I was so very cautious... the entire reason I escaped, was to avoid pain, and as I had witnessed so many others, relationships are riddled with pain... and I liked this Girl too.

    I learned to carry a conversation, which is simply, relating information on a topic... if you don't know about a topic, then ask. Questions are essential for carrying on a conversation.

    I learned how to ask questions... it's easy really, simply become curious. Control your desires, and aim them at something that is relevant to the topic at hand.

    I learned I am capable of befriending females. You'd be amazed at the things you don't know, growing up 100% homeschooled. But there are assumptions made, based on juvenile thoughts and logic. Out of a more sheltered lifestyle.

    I have learned that I've loved my upbringing... regrettably, as such, I possess few-to-none street smarts. My grasp of sarcasm is weak, at best. Innuendo's are last grasped by me...

    This past year, has been one of self-discovery, I've taken time... volunteered it, got a part-time job, and grew up for a year. I had fallen behind my peers as emotional growth is concerned...

    I learned to love, to be loved.

    I found, for the most part, what I believe, and what I don't.

    I've found, that I unintentionally intercede emotional distress. I take it on, absorb it, like a sponge... and "handle" it for the other person, to sympathize, to empathize.

    In the span of a several weekends, I've experienced lows, bottoming out on the following feelings: Love, Worth, Value, Identity. For a weekend those things were absent, but intellectually known to be in existence. I knew they were there... but I could not feel them.

    I found, in a sense, who I am. Experiencing, a kind of social pressure for the first time in my life... because before, nothing stuck to me. Now with emotion, things could actually grip on, conformity found a foothold, and I would question who I am. Who I relate to, I would get advice from.

    Most importantly, I found God. Not like he had gone anywhere, but once I made my faith my own, I could start growing in Christ, once I could feel again, I could love Him. From that place of love, I grew, built a relationship with him, by getting into the word. It was incredible, and I had Joy.

    Humanity was my downfall... I grew to love Whitney, when it was not mine to have. I no longer stood in God's strength and was reprimanded.

    I learned what the prompting of the Spirit feels like, what true joy in Christ feels, what is means to have a walk with Christ.

    I learned why heartache is called heartache. The physical throbbing inside of the chest. I know why I wanted to avoid this with numbness.

    Then I summer came, and I distracted myself with summertime activities, or rather, my schedule distracted me. I attempted to resolve that bitterness that was inside, I took it as an opportunity to understand myself better. Where I came to understand, very clearly, the division of flesh and spirit.

    My flesh was confused, frustrated, angry, and bitter. My spirit had nothing to be angry about, in fact, it agreed with the separation, it understood, and wanted to continue to help... it always had.

    The distractions of summer stole my time, tore apart my habits, and my walk fell. I physically wore myself down, at three various weeks, Student Statesmanship Institute, Missions Trip, and then another week at SSI. I came home... thinking I would rest and recover, and I do a small bit, but I don't restablish my walk, instead I get my college financial aid figured out, work for dynamite for day or two, buy a car, brood in my own bitterness and exhaustion ... then off to camp again.

    SSI week 3 turns out to be rather laid back as far as week's work go, but emotionally and spiritually the most draining. The air itself seems to sap it out of the staff members, and along side the staff, here I am. I reach the bottom of the barrel, but must continue on. The support of others, is all that sustained me that week, all that held me together.

    Then I had to leave again, SSI was over, and MIC had come. The bitterness continued to dwell and brood, it was combined with the fatigue. I was not socially energetic, though I normally am... and I could feel a familiar seperation within... one to keep the outside appearance happy, while the inside felt none of it. It was an old friend Apathy... I had been feeling, albeit not necessarily tip-top... but I was feeling. Now I began to plunge again into darkness.

    These then several weeks after MIC have been quite numb, and I'm trying to shake feeling back into my limbs... I was looking forward to recovery. I'm signed up for my classes, but I think I'll need to plan to set aside time to get away to fully recover. A sabbatical, as it were...

    So that's where I am right now, I'm lonely in a group of friends a supporters, all saying that they love me, and care for me, saying that they'll pray for me... and I can't feel any of it. I'm even half-hearted in my desire to feel such overwhelming support. I don't want to talk about it, I'm done with it, and I'm still exhausted. To the breaking point of tears, without the ability to cry... not right now. I don't know, maybe I do need to talk, but I don't know what about, nor do I feel like getting into the lectured mode. I guess I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to get there... while wanting it all at the same time. Very conflicting.

    --Michael

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

  • Visit.

    So, I decide to visit my old Xanga page, take a look at some of the new features and see if maybe I could reestablish that which I loved about my old Xanga, and why it was I left in the first place. Only to weep at the weakness that the developers have succumb to. No longer can I input my own CSS in a box that it wasn't meant for... Now I must trudge through a deep pocket of bonus features, that mirror MySpace and Facebook. It's too late to return to that treasured, peaceful place, where simplicity reigned, and people had to actually post content. Alas.

    I remember why I left, because it started adopted things I didn't like about the other social networks. The "Friends" sub-page reminded me all too much of Myspace, or that which I had seen at the time. Friends were an entirely optional addition to the layout. Memories, Chatboard... all fine and dandy if other people used Xanga, but by the time they had rolled onto the horizon, my friends had rolled on to other social networks... and if I didn't roll along, I would be left in the dust.

    There is a time to stand alone and unique, but when it comes to networking, it's best done in groups. Larger the better, features amplify in a large group... otherwise basic features are found to have creative uses. However, I really don't mind, that's almost as fun, to redesign things for your own use. When Whitney came around, I drifted over to Myspace, learning and utilizing the different features, still with a distain for Facebook and it's thousands of useless tag-all-of-my-friends apps. Slowly though, even Myspace because to soak up the "application" game, and soon the hideous glitterly layouts, were now bogged down and thrown into a visual information disarray (not like there was much there to begin with). It was time to move on, to the one place, where everyone has seemed to stop and dwell for a while. Facebook. Clean, crisp, organized... perhaps abit overloaded, with some of the younger members... but still done in a somewhat clean way.

    In moving from Network to Network though-- none of them were blog centered... people no longer have to mentally contribute anything for attention. That, I miss. The naturally secreted charisma, then serves to feed it's owners ego, a gluttonous diet of comments, messages, and requests of all shapes and sizes. They allow you to write, but not really. An option to broadcast... but who has time to read it? Why would they? It's off to the side of their busy life. Only those that know how to vent through their fingers, will write anything worth reading, and only a small handful of those will have the gumption to post after that. I fall into the category of: "I'm busy, I'll read it later" all the time, so I really don't blame you.

    I used to long to get feedback, from what I wrote... I can remember years back, waiting in anticipation to return from an outing, to see if anyone wrote anything worth reading, seldom was I rewarded. When I was though, I wanted to write more, to see what else people would write... I remember why I liked this though-- with the keyboard comfortably beneath my fingertips, I feel at home, wrapped in a warm and comfortable nostalgia. Distant from the world, yet still in touch. *sighs*

    I can see myself easily coming back here to let my finger play again... ahh, but my eyes grow heavy, and it's time for me to turn in again. Pleasure to write, for those that might read.

    --Michael Robbe

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Sunday, 02 December 2007

  • Wow, the month of November is over.

    Who knew it would take so long? Can I see by a show of comments, who actually reads this anymore? ... I'd like to iron out a demographic so that I know what to write, and to whom. I mean, I know that I write here for myself, but as of late I've had plenty of other things to keep my fingers busy, to keep my mind distracted, to keep myself sane. As well as a desired to ween myself from the computer a bit. Just a bit.

    What's been going on in my life that might interest the masses that congregate here to this page? I'm in a Christmas Cantata, which will be running at 6 tonight at First Baptist Church. Essentially, a cantata(for those that need a definition) is a stretch of choir songs, and orchestra preforming while (silently) acting out appropriate roles. Michael is playing the "lead shepherd" along with 'Siah, the lounds boys, and Johnny Schafer. Yea, it's pretty great. Silas has the role of lil' baby Jesus... since mom is most comfortable, she's also Mary. My sisters are prancing about as angels... and we've only had two practices. Quite honestly, it's crazy. I don't think we were able to run through everything once before our first performance.

    --Michael

Sunday, 21 October 2007

  • My week is gone again.

    Do I have an excuse for blinking my eyes, and seeing my week flash before my them? Tuesday I went to a Football  Game with friends. Wednesday I had Awana and youth group, where I expounded to Chad my new good friend. Thursday I setup for the SSI Banquet, attended, and tore down... taking the entire day. Friday morning I packed for my Venture Crew's Backpacking trek... except I was pretty angsty all morning, and took an hour-long "escape" nap-- arriving at the outing pretty unprepared. Saturday I was at Sleepy Hollow State Park backpacking fifteen miles, and arrived home today, where I picked up the small bundle of cares I set by the door the same day I left.

    Now I feel confused, and grouchy because I am confused. I have the desire to leave this rut, but not the mental-emotional energy to do so... nor the self-dedication. A chemically-induced coma sounds pretty good about now. My feet wish to run, to begin a new life, and to disappear. Leave all that I know, all that inspires me, all that encourages me, all that depresses me. Decomplicate everything by removing all variables. What I also know is that this too shall pass.

    Hey, would you mind if I dumped on you sometime? I'd offer the same in exchange, we could meet at Beaners... or Biggby, whatever, pretend like we haven't see each other in a while, spend a little time to really get know each other, one on one, find out what to pray for. I really don't know when I'll start writing devotions, because I really don't know when I'll get the hang of this life I'm living.

    Lend a little love.

    --Michael

Monday, 15 October 2007

  • Bursting forth back onto the Xanga scene.

    Sunday night I went to the Schafer home to setup their computer and new highspeed internet. To which I rode with hopped into Mackenzie Ehman's vehicle... (to her great surprise, *smiles*) to get to Annie's house. It took me a matter of minutes to have everything plugged in, and as Mackenzie was leaving again for a bible study, Levi had me flag them down, telling them to stop. By the time that I had reached the door downstairs, she had already pulled away. Which did not spell "good" for Annie, Natalie, or Levi who were unfamiliar with how to get where they were going. Having half finished the project that I had come there for, when Annie asked off the cuff: "Hey wanna come?" I figured, sure! Got my phone, got my wallet, I've got my wits about me... I'm set.

    Apparently it was their sixth meeting, they had previously gone through the book of Galatians. Which impressed me, a group of teens getting together for a Bible study, self formed, self maintained... ^_^ and this meeting made that quite evident. No real leader, no plan for the next meetings, not even really a title. Which made the hour and a half was essentially a logistics meeting, up until Ms. Ehman finally put the bible into the bible study by reading one of the devotions she had written for a webzine.

    Where essentially she suggested that we all write up devotions, the format not really decided upon-- I figure I'll just follow what they have in the daily bread, the story-bleeds-into-biblical-principle. My mind was freshly flooded with scouting memories, stories, and experiences I've lived through in my short life. Not biblical principles to match them as quickly-- but I'm sure that I can find a linking thread, no? I was tempted to write a Autobiography (if it were about me, it would be essentially nothing, either that or like pages in a diary, over detailed... and without a point... yet. lol to all the great accomplishments of life.) but a devotional would be a much better idea-- striking on the highlights and pointing them all toward God. Oh, and score some writing practice in along the way.

    Which has brought me back to Xanga, my current social network that focuses on the message, and leaves photos, videos, and "pulses" on the wayside. My public diary and writing forum, so I thought I'd begin writing devotions, whether or not I have time to commit to a "Bible study that does other things"-- it's just good practice,

    Several stories that came to mind:

    Bubble-up Pizza
    Webelos Sleepover
    "I wish I had a net like that"
    HA Thanksgiving dinner.
    HA Biking.
    Dryer-top presents.
    Homemade rope.
    Trashed Pizza.
    Grand ledge, kittens, and a van.
    Speeding.
    "Am I pretty?"

    --Michael

Monday, 08 October 2007

  • Well, the reasons I joined Xanga are becoming increasingly fewer.

    First and foremost, it was because it was a social network, seemingly everyone had one, and maintained it-- and without a xanga I was not able to leave comments on my friend's posts. I think I tried to leave one before xanga, assuming I was able to leave an anonymous comment, and was starkly disappointed when I needed to go through the hassle of signing up and building a page, and more work than I would have liked to have made for one little comment.

    Second, I was lazy, I probably could build a blog, with comment system and bells with whistles, but the problem I would then be faced with would be that no one would read it, or know when It had been updated (before I knew about RSS feeds)

    Third, I enjoyed a place for feedback on various random topics, as well as a place to stretch my literary abilities (or lack there of).

    I am saddened, because few people use Xanga anymore, it moved away to Facebook or Myspace, or both. I guess people are busy, and I really can't blame them for that-- I guess I have neither posted nor commented in a while, so I'm just as much as a problem of dead community, as anyone else on my subscription list is.

    Oh, right, the reason I'm still using xanga, It'd be two-fold, I'm loyal, whether to a human being or social network, I've invested alot of time on this "Main Entry" page over the past two years, and can remember the good feeling of a post well written (or at least in my eyes, well written), and the joy and excitement of knowing that someone read it and had something to say about it. That someone had considered it worthy of their time, in the reading, processing, and writing. Yay! I felt loved.

    Second reason is that I'm lazy, if I knew people visited my Xanga, I might put up a nice cute layout, but when I consider that I'd be the only one looking at it... spending an hour or two of creative energy doesn't excite me like it once did.

    If you came here to find out how I'm doing, I'd suggest calling me, as I don't mind telling you. Although I expect you to return the favor, and tell all that's been happening with you. ^_^ In that way, we might call each other friends, concerned for the other's well being-- that we might know and keep each other uplifted in prayer.

    Proverbs 23:23
    Buy the truth and do not sell it;
           get wisdom, discipline and understanding.

    --Michael

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

  • *Shakes head*

    I'm getting addicted again... to the internet I mean. Or games... one or the other. Both probably. By "getting" addicted, I mean I'm not quite there yet-- and if you know Michael Robbe, you might be raising an eyebrow at home. Well, with the school void (at the moment, bless every minute of it), I've been able to find ways to occupy myself. Two weeks ago now I played and finished Black and White (an RPG god-sim, wiki it if you really want to know.) and the plaguing last level would have been impossible without getting the game patched. Well, I won, after 31 hours ... although I think it boiled down to about 20-25 hours of gameplay (the counter-counted while It was paused or away I think).

    Now that I passed over that obessession, I started randomly grabbing MMO games... not Runescape, but smaller ones: Tribal Wars, Battle Dawn, ChoasRPG ... Oh, and Virtual Villagers 2. All of which run realtime... meaning they plague my thoughts all day long. Would I play them if I didn't like them though? Blarg. Oh, and what's my Webcomic count up to now? Nine. Not to mention the social networks like Xanga, MySpace, Facebook that I feel some need/desire to update on occation. Use it to stay in contact with people I don't see regularly any more. There was no mention of Email, but that would be included everyday anyhow... Oh oh, I think I should probably mention that Skype and MSN are pitfalls as well. I'll talk late at Night With Whitney, or chat and exchange photoshoppings with Holly... Meh, I'm becoming a zombie. *Laughs, considering putting in a Dr.McNinja quote, then realizing that few would get it, omits it*

    What all has been going on in my world? Hmmmm, I visited during the first day of Teenworks, playing the role of substitute parent for the day. Was that a week ago already? Goodness, time flies. That was a happy day, I just took notes on behalf of Josiah, and hung around Study hall talking with several of the Students there. Giddy and happy at the lack of classes I currently had (not that I dislike Teenworks per say, but found it exhilerating not to be tied to any... just wait for LCC, I know.)  Found Josiah a ride home, and abandoned him there-- Although I take no blame for him not packing a lunch... or monies for his foods. He needs to learn to be more responsible, lol, and not rely on other people to provide for him when the future is uncertain.

    I've jumped headfirst into a bunch of Ministries at Church this year: Caraway Street; Puppets for children during service, AWANA; A Youth Bible memorization program, Choir; Standing and singing with special clothes on in the back of the room, and Sound desk; running the powerpoint slides for chorus' and the message, running any video, changing the lights, or raising/lowering the screen... Which is a pretty full plate... as far as I know.

    I'm now Interning at SSI, Mon-Tue-Wed 9-5ish. Which I'm actually doing right now, slipping some Xanga into it during lunch.  Great atmosphere, and the work is all within my Sphere of Knowledge, now it's just a matter of putting it to use, and staying dedicated to the task at hand. *looks at Xanga, then looks at work computer* Hmmm, I'll have to work on that Character aspect.

    For those of you whom I've talked with personally in the past several months, perhaps you know, I'm not offically a high school graduate yet. I still have 4-5 credits to finish which I'll need to get done before spring semester so that I can enroll for some LCC Classes. Some of those classes will be done through a system called: "NovaNet" a "smart" Online class system through the Battle Creek Public School system. Ironing out to, I've got take HSMA, as well as show up at Battle Creek School 2-3 a year. Hey, free classes though! Right, Since I don't play an instrument, I'm taking Choir. I've also Filled out the paperwork to be a BSA adult leader. Heehee, poor little guys. So my "first" outing will be this friday, I forget what exactly what we're doing, all I know is that it'll be cold enough to need a sweatshirt. Yes! I love this time of year.

    Thursday, I completely forgot to include that day: Every other Thursday I deliver magazines for 3-4 hours with 'Siah. When I'm not doing that, then There is Scouting Morning, where I'm going to assume that I'll be a leader going somewhere to do some helping, thing. I need a Job though, a part-time Job that I could log in the hours for.

    Can you see that I'm actually quite busy? Scale of 1-10, how bad is it really? In comparison with you? Get ahold of me and lets schedule some Coffee and conversation, eh? Perhaps a movie? You ought to have my phone number, and if you don't, I'm sure someone we mutually know has my number.

    --Michael

Thursday, 30 August 2007

  • I have accepted the new "themes", now I need to come up with a layout that is pleasing to the eye. Pleasing though, can be done with almost any object/thought that you can come up with. So your suggestion would be amazing-- especially in this Xanga depression.

    --Michael

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

  • A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde

    I took it into a vague meaning/understanding when I stepped back and looked at it. Something along the lines of "wit" + "hint of truth". Saying something along the lines that love complicates the whole matter... and it does. It just made me chuckle. Of course, what I often percieve is rarely what was orginally intended.

    It remains open to discussion.

    --Michael

Sunday, 26 August 2007

  • A message.

    Or rather an Echo to an empty xanga community... Hello! I hope you're all doing well, I just failed to realize why I do xanga. I write about what's up as a way to express myself... vent, fume, pour... creatively at least. These are my journal entries, which I share... for what reason I'm not quite sure.

    So, my days as of late have been filled with the imbalance of sleep and then the re-balancing of sleep. I do appreciate my time spent in blissful dreamland. If you read the previous post, I have found what the imbalance of rest does.

    I guess I've found distractions, and so has everyone else. My only hope is that it will someday come back.

    --Michael

Monday, 20 August 2007

  • Oi. Updates for you.

    Well, I am a different being than I normally am. For reasons of the Lansing State Journal. For the past several days, I had been riding with Dad as he shows me the ropes for the LSJ route. Of which I have discovered two things... I love sleep. And that I change, when I don't have proper sleep.

    By change, I mean-- instability... in some form or another. The deeper recesses of my mind are turned off; my thoughts, reason, and emotions are all tinted (not literally), and all depending on what side of the bed I wake up on. It's been blue (sad) tinted, rose (optimistic) tinted, yellow (happy/bright)... and it's like that all day, or night. Yesterday I was... *looks for word* happy, optimistic, creative, energetic, random, and generally an extrovert. The day before I was apathetic, lethargic, quiet but not-contemplative (as usually quiet equals.), somewhat empty headed. I mention this because usually, I have enough thought and forethought to handle/control my mood, attitude (unless an additive like caffeine is added, even then, it's usually released because it's fun todo so).

    Right, so like at Holly's last night, everything was funny, I felt a desire to randomly call people on my phone, leave voice mail messages. I also was all like: "Josiah! Lets make a mini-movie about people who get out of their cars and run into the forest by the highway!" ... Now I'm wondering what I was thinking and have no chutzpah to do anything of the sort.
        Perhaps that's simply the way with creativity though, it comes in waves, crests, breaks, then leaves.

    So Sunday morning was among the most trying mornings of my life. A bit of background is required for me to fully convey the miserableness that was experienced. I had gone with him on the route that week Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday. Thursday morning I missed because I would need proper rest as I drove around the North Lansing/DeWitt/St. Johns area of the Homes and Lifestyles Magazine delivery route. People have the ability to choose how frequently they want to receive the paper, Daily=everyday, Weekend=Fr,Sa,Su,Mo, Sunday only, using colored reflector dots colored-- green, yellow, red, and white. Sunday is then by far the heaviest day, both in number of deliveries, and in weight/size with the "inserts" being a stack of shiny, slippery advertisements wrapped in the colored comics and rolled together with the actual newspaper.

    Upon leaving Holly's Apartment at 12:15am or so, I was to start the route. Josiah was with me (although he didn't have to be... he could have left earlier and saved himself some torment), and we went to pick up the paper bundles. With the amount of material to be distributed, the backseat and passenger side was filled, and a couple in the trunk, it made for uncomfortable seating for Josiah. I was nervous in doing this for the first time about where and when to turn, what roads I was to take-- how disoriented I would get before the night was through. As well as a strong desire to appease the customers and miss as few as humanly possible.

    Many factors made this a very, very miserable night. A large one being, it was my first night driving it alone, and things tend to be different when you're finally behind the wheel. So I had to get acclimated to the distance from the boxes, the speed at which to travel, to soak in where and when. The time I started was another factor. It was 12:40am when I got started... the earliest I got started with Dad was 3:00am, at which time, I saw 1-2 cars at most during the route. People are still bustling about around 1-2am, things are relatively busy, and people aren't always expecting someone to be driving down the wrong side of the road. No one seems to last long in the backseat of the car during the route, whether its the constant starting/stopping, or what... he got nauseous and I stopped for him to throw up... so I stopped to drop him off at the nearby Meijer, so he could loiter for the hour or two I had hoped it would take me. The recording Dad made on his MP3 player worked well, when I could keep up with it... if I paused it for too long, it just shut off and I had to turn it back on and hit play again. Or 'til the battery stayed alive.
        Did I mention that it was also raining? Uggg, so the rain sprinkles in through the open window. The boxes get wet, so I need to take each folded paper and slip it into a plastic sleeve before I deposit it. Another time-consuming step on a long, and new route.

    The first hour was the worst, the beginning of the long night to come, anticipation, anxiety, and weather. The pit of it all resting on the bottom of my stomach, paired with the mental alertness/awakeness of it all. The responsibility of the task ahead against the desire to do it (It wasn't any fun). Until I had the controls figured out-- the windshield fog frustrated me for several minutes, first impairing, then impeding, until I could not see the road or the boxes ahead. Only the occational pair of blinding headlights could be seen through the fog. So I realisticly could not drive unless I stuck my head out the driver's side window, into the drizzling rain.

    During such an event, the bubble of optimism no longer existed as a buffer, and a childish panic set in, the "I-can't-do-this" mentality... I didn't want to call home, because I knew I was fully capable of doing this. I didn't want to, but I had to. So I held onto what fortitude I had gathered, and pushed forward onto my first turn-- I had overshot the right street at first... and I memorize thing sequentially. I knew the drive pattern of the route, but only if I followed it to the way I was introduced to it the past several nights. I turn around, hit the right turn on and naturally, onto the wrong way on the right street. The feeling wasn't a pleasant one when I realized that the short eternity I had spent on these several papers were assigned to another route-- and I had to turn around and collect them, otherwise I would be short that night. As I finally get started in the right direction, as I get oriented, as car's paper/tool/despenser layout was finally starting to click... Josiah warns me from the back, *suppressed intestainal queasiness* "get ready to stop".

    So, at about this time, I think I'm about an hour into the night... on any other night, Dad would be wrapping up, on the home stretch-- while I've just started to move in the right direction. I cave, I call, I reach Mom-- basicly asking  for one of them to "take this cup from me..." (if I can say it without being sacreligous.), whining-- pointing out the difficulties I've had thus far, asking what I should do with Josiah (he can't stay with me, he's puking and doesn't fit well in a bundle packed car.). I was told to just drop him at Mejier, finish the route, and pick him up afterwards. I did so and returned to the route, reviewing everything in my head, grabbing another handful of chutzpah, and delivered the papers.

    I felt bad that Josiah was left at Meijers, but I really couldn't rush myself-- nor could I go collect him until it was time for us to return. I began to use the MP3 player, but it was difficult because I was much, much slower than he is, everything from box-distance proximity, to paper-folding technique, to acceleration rate, as well as confidence level and familiarity. So I would pause it inbetween boxes, and if I waited too long, it would shut off (robbing valuable battery-life, start-up is more power-consuming then simply running for the 15 seconds more that it should've) Stealing more of my time as I start it back up to listen.

    I eventually developed a flow though: play walkthrough, drive, stop, pause walkthrough, stack papers, fold papers, plastic bag wrap them, and go again. As bundles ran out, you need to put it into park, reach back, cut bundle, reposition papers, continue. All the while, the driver-side window was open, rain drizzling/misting in, senses acute to my vehicle's surroundings, acute to the time, and to my lack of speed and proficiency. I don't blame myself for being slow-- it was just frustrating when the papers would not fold and bend to my exact whim. Isn't it funny how inanimate objects seem to respect those that are qualified? The papers bend like liquid in my fathers hands... I tell my computer and electrons to obey, and they submit... a archery bow quivers in my hands, the arrows refuse to fly where I point them, no matter how consistant I think my firing is... those things respect skilled hands; and I imagine the case applies to all of life, those are just several that I bring up.

    There was a point where I lost my cutter. I still haven't found that particular one. A "cutter" is a razor blade in a plastic casing for convenient bundle releasing. It's the token of route-ship-ness, and I stuck mine in a unsecure car dimple. Between my starting and stopping, it slid off into the black abyss that is the floor of a route car. I probably spent twenty minutes unsuccessfully trying to recover that little hunk of plastic and metal... it just vanished, any place that it could have reasonably slid to, I could not feel it. From that point of the night, onward, I had to tear open each of the bundles by hand, another task with which to slow me down.

    Things did seem to get better, I will consede... after the first two and a half hours the rain let up a little bit. The roads were less confusing once I realized that I didn't have my brights on (Seeing the road is a great advantage to navigating). The LSJ dot's that code the entire route's boxes and mail boxes, were also more visible. The MP3 walkthrough helped build my confidence (a very important factor to endure the night) that I was able to see, and hit all the boxes I needed to. I even was in a mood and confidence enough to play a CD of music during my last fourty minutes or so... But it still took forever, I started at 12:15 and returned home at 5:35... just kind of soaking in the glorious fact, that I was home again, listening to the final several tracks on ZOA, the new Mix 'Siah and I assembled. Lulled into sleepful state by "Lack of Color" and "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by 'Death Cab for Cutie'.

    The entire thing was miserable, but I realized then in a sort of foresight hindsight, these are the kind of things that life is filled with. Short comings and miserable experiences make the best stories. If you haven't noticed, almost every comedian today, grew up rather miserably. They just laughed, and made others laugh, to cope with it, to escape it. I'm very cautious though, because I've had a very good upbringing-- nice and boring, from a story standpoint, no broken bone stories or exploslotions, I don't hurt myself... I sit all day at my computer and work, play, create. Which is why I'm so thankful for scouts and my little siblings, for they have given me stories... not as many as some (because I have a good Christian group and family), but enough to balance out the mellowness.

    Hey, I'm assembling a list of several lists of quotes, one of which being common phrases/principles of common people like us... as well as one for famous people-- if you'd like to contribute something. This one made me laugh:

    Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
          -Susan Ertz, Anger in the Sky

    --Michael

Monday, 13 August 2007

  • Frustration.

    These past couple of days have been trying. Now I will explain exactly why they have been trying:

    First off, Xanga has been frustrating, the life and traffic that I used to enjoy has melted away-- I assume and hope it will rise again when school starts back up, but there are no guarantees to rebirthing of Xanga. Maybe I'm not really frustrated at Xanga in particular, but I'm venting through Xanga my disappointment, which as recently changed to frustration.

    Laptop.
    A personal vex has been my/Jeremy's laptop (on which I'm typing), on my Birthday, saturday, I can two friends come over a play a day's worth of StarCraft with my brothers and myself. We should have had 5 computers to do so. This laptop being considered the fifth. Well, the turn of events the night prior-- messed all that up. I was attempting to burn a CD-R, I decided I no longer wished to burn the Music disc because it was going to mess up the track order we had tried so hard to achieve and balance. Well, long and short of it-- I stop it, eventually, probably unethically. That's that, and we continue along with the day.

    The next day arrives, Josiah and I play through a practice game on the two computer that was not my laptop, and all appears to be well. 12:00 they arrive and we all whip out our laptops... to add to the networking/firewall/port difficulties, my CD drive fails to play CD's. *groans*. So it was 2:00 before we started our first game, delayed seemingly in every way possible... and ended up playing four-player while I would dart back and forth trying to diagnose the problem. It just wouldn't read the CD! For my fellow computerists out there, the highly frustrating thing was that it could play DVD's-- just fine. So with that I ruled out hardware difficulty... I spent bits and pieces of the eight hours they were over to find out why it wouldn't work, replacing the firmware... securing a work around... something... anything! Well, I wasn't able to... and I discovered that by all likelyhoods it probably is a failed laser. Apparently they outfit combo drives with two separate lasers (I figured they'd just refocus the same one for the smaller pits), and the drive I've got isn't a high quality piece of work. Sooo, I only hope it's covered by warranty-- I'm just grouchy cause now I've got to live without it for a couple of days too.

    Bella. Our dog.

    She's a puppy, has plenty of energy, has yet to receive good instruction.

    She's got some teething to do, I think, because the number of frisbees, flipflops, balls, slippers, or anything small enough to be rent by dog teeth, has met its demise. I'm probably the lucky one, only having lost a pair of slippers, several frisbees, a football, and perhaps several smaller items I have yet to learn about. Even still, it seems as though few others, genuinely care that their property is being destroyed. Why is it being destroyed? For the dog's own entertainment/enjoyment! Something he should get plenty of if his people would just play with him. All he needs is a run every day, couple hours of play in the afternoon, love, and obedience with consistency. Instead, she makes them play with her, she takes a flipflop and 'teases' us as we're doing something else, watching tv, talking in the family room, on the computer. As we try and take it, she'll dart away. This game will be carried out into the yard, where she will continue to out maneuver any human being who simply wishes to return to the activity they were doing inside.

    I was against the idea of having her from the start. Perhaps it's because I'm a heartless, cold individual... or because I feel we are not a suitable family, right now, to have a dog. Reason 1.) Attention span. I've seen kittens and puppies come in and out of the hearts of my sisters. It's always been 'out with the old in with the new', even if the old are still with us. Example, our guinea pigs were next to neglected when the foster kittens/Bella visited from the humane society. They became uninterested in them, and were almost never handled after that. I wonder if the cages would have been cleaned if they weren't out in the main living areas. 2.) Desire. It runs akin with attention span. As the newness of the puppy wanes, so does the desire to take her for walks, play with her-- to perform for a young puppy as one should. They move quickly from "loves to do it" to "uninterested" to "burdensome". 3.) Playmates. If I were an only child, I should think that I would love to have a dog. Someone to play with, to train, to love... but I don't need that right now. I have seven younger brothers and sisters that I could play with, why would I spend it with a dog? The same applies for them-- what is a dog for other than to simply have? We've always had two dogs, does that mean we should always have two dogs?

    So my frustration boils down to the fact that no one will play with the dog enough to wear her out-- or to teach her not to grab and bury anything in the house but her own toys. I don't have the desire or time to teach and occupy this dog. I don't wish to have any of my more important/expensive belongings damaged or destroyed because of my younger sibling's dog negligence. So because I had to chase her down again today, and because my sister Rachel griped about taking out the dog, and because I found puke on the the steps, and because I found another chewed article of shoe-- I reexpressed my opinion of Bella to the family, in a louder form.

    This has been a good place to vent, helps lay everything out, organize it, rationalize it. What else? My tailbone hurts from falling on it while rollerblading a week ago. Or rather, all the tendons attached to my tailbone are bruised and it pains to run/bend over and pick something up. I bend over now like mom did a couple weeks ago with Silas still inside. ^_^

    --Michael

Monday, 06 August 2007

  • I have an urge to type, I think I'll embrace it through Xanga.

    I am physicked right now. Things seem to be falling right into place, if you wanted to know more completely-- we could talk someplace/some how. I feel ready for anything!

    I've feel like I've finally woken up, and am now ready to do some real soul searching. To make my Faith my own. To pursue a career. To see what God has in store for me... I'm excited. My brain's been in something of an overdrive, asking itself questions, seeking answers, forming convictions... walking, running, breathing... it feels good.

    This weekend, I went over to the David's house again, and had a great time. Those people are so uplifting, such an encouragement, such a wonderful blessing. In the four months I've known them, I feel as though I've grown alot... with much of the thanks going to them. (I daresay, I'd bore you with the details... but it's been incredible, that's why we should talk.. I can't convey this over the written word-- I need to put emphasis on phrases, words... perhaps even tailor it for you in particular.)

    An aspect has been the depth of issues I've been able to attain-- the hours of conversational practice with Whitney has made is so much easier to talk with Mom and Dad about everything. I've been able to live life as more of an open book, using my parents to help keep me accountable. To sync viewpoints with them, to glean from their experiences... I'm blessed to have them, to build off of their wisdoms. ^_^

    Another aspect has been the unhardening process. Whether you saw it or not, I did all that was in my power to not feel through high school. I somehow reasoned that life would be simpler, happier, without emotion-- feeling. (I knew from other people that relationships through high school very very rarely work out-- so I figured I wouldn't pursue anything) Tragedy/panic could never strike if you were always prepared for it; if you denied feelings... you'd be happier. I know it's flawed-- to be honest, I never laid out (until now) what or why I thought that way, probably a couple of experiences frustrated me by how sad I got... so I did all I could to stop being sad. Right though, I mentioned an unhardening process... I found not feeling, isn't very fun... and kinda impossible. Thanks to the questions/thoughts/feelings I was given. I was able to unpack all that was inside, as well as soften myself. I think I'll eventually reach a good balance, a core of realistic expectations and safeguards, with a outside of kindness, compassion, sympathy, empathy, humility, and general humanity.

    So... those are just two of the ways I feel better. Given time, I could probably list about 6-8 different ways I've grown, all with such marvelous timing... it makes me smile.

    Who doesn't have my cell? Drop me a Xanga/Myspace message and I can get it to you so we might coordinate a cup of coffee and some rousing conversation.

    --Michael